Preserving color & remembering

I have always been a fanatic about the fall leaves. In high school, I drew them constantly. There's something about their intricate shapes, blazing bright color, and delicate symmetry that begs me to inspect them, to keep collecting them, and tuck them away.

9 years ago I was working up in Provo Canyon's Aspen Grove doing a retreat with 6th graders. I was the camp cook and so I was free to roam the canyon between meals. I would wake up at 5:30 in the morning and hike down the trail under a brilliant dusting of stars. Sirius, my favorite, was always bright in the morning Autumn Sky. After flipping what seemed to be billions of pancakes I would head out for a run up to Stewart Falls and hustle back to start cooking lunch. It was the perfect job for me.

I can still remember the day of the attacks on the twin towers. Who doesn't remember where they were and what they were doing? We deliberated for some time whether to go forward with the retreat and after discussing it for a while we decided to proceed with it after all. The mood was solemn. After lunch that afternoon, I found a spot of sunshine under a tree. The air was golden; compliments of this time of year and I remember the quiet. Everything seemed to be so still. There I sat writing a letter to a friend who was serving in the Navy. Afterwards I hiked around and gathered some leaves. Something to remember the day by. And I laminated them so I would preserve and remember the color of that day.

Once Upon a Time...

When I was still in school, I used to dream about the days when I could come home and read whatever I wanted. I just knew I'd relish the moment I could delve into The Arabian Nights without having to think too much about plot and characters and symbols, etc. Imagine reading for pure pleasure! That is what I thought and now it is my reality.

One thing I especially love about this time of year is that I can curl up on my bed and read with the window open. Inviting in all that cool air wrapped up in the quiet murmur of crickets is so calming. Soft light and the night time hum are two of my favorite parts of the evening. It is soothing to the soul. Now that the air has cooled I can sleep with my window open all night long. There is something refreshing about breathing cool, crisp, quiet, fall air. I always sleep a little better when there is a little bite to the temperature outside.

Last night I read for a little while and then when I got tired I turned off all the lights and just sat there listening. Eventually I curled my feet over the edge of the bed and peered out the window, down into the reeds, my eyes curling along the banks of the skinny little stream that cuts across our backyard. I took a deep breath and imagined how I remember September smelling. I remember the air being fresh, with a little bit of earthiness mixed in. I remember the smell of campfires, old leaves, and the first few rainstorms of fall washing the summer dust back into the ground. It was kind of a nice contemplative moment. Although I am still trying to regain my sense of smell I still have my memory and my imagination and I still enjoy the memory.

Why I love September reaon #3: Tonight my window will be open all night long
Why I love September reason #4: Even though I can't smell right now I remember how much I love the smell of fall creeping in on the end of Summer.

Garden Tomatoes

I love how dinner can be nearly effortless around this time of year. Today, after a full day of moving at the office, I came home tired and hungry. The last thing I wanted to do was spend more time on my feet hovering over the stove. Thanks to my roomie and her marvelous garden I didn't have to. I walked ten feet out into our backyard postage-stamp-of-garden and plucked two voluptuous tomatoes off the vine. Can I tell you how much I love tomato sandwiches? I LOVE Tomato Sandwiches! Garden tomatoes are just so tasty. After I took a couple of minutes to fry up some squash I went outside and enjoyed this lovely view while munching on my dinner:


Why I love September reason #2:
I love all the fresh garden foods that are in season.

Celebrating September

September is deliciously golden...

kind of like walking into the backyard garden and munching on fresh grilled summer squash dusted with your favorite herbs...
or noticing the bright yellow sunflowers popping up out of a dark green field...
or remembering a good relationship in those happy moments before the other person discovered your flaws, or came to know them and loved you anyway.

Yes, everything about September I love (if you couldn't tell). There is something different about the air that makes me feel all giddy and happy inside. The sad thing is that it often comes and goes before I can fully enjoy it. So this year I am basking in September one day at a time so I will notice and remember all my favorite things about this time of year before it's gone.

Today is September 1st. Two days ago I spent 20 minutes in the middle of the night stealing wildflowers from the side of the road to cheer up our home. It wasn't on anyone's property mind you but I still felt a little guilty for picking them. Every time I saw headlights coming I dashed into the bushes and giggled out loud to myself. I kind of felt like a teenager that was out breaking curfew or something. Anyway, I checked the next day just to be sure and you couldn't even tell that I had hoarded a bunch of those vibrant yellow flowers for myself. Thank you mother nature for that lovely bouquet of happiness!



Why I love September #1
Because I love seeing these hardy yellow flowers soaking up the last bits of sunshine

Wishes...

This is a partial view of my mother's garden.
It is a magical place. One of the neighbors even thinks that fairies live there. I used to think the same thing. When I was 15 my grandma came to live with us. Her new residence became the walls of my room. My new space became the back porch and when I needed a little alone time I would crawl up into the top of that lusciously, leafy, apple tree at the back of the garden--hidden--sometimes catching a glimpse of the neighbor boy's cousin that I thought was so cute. I used to wish that boy was in love with me. Since that time I think I've made 1000 such wishes. Today I just wished that It wasn't so hot, that I didn't feel tired, & at one point that life didn't feel so dang overwhelming when I think too much about the future.

*Sigh*
Wishes can be a dangerous thing.
Dangerous because they blind me to the magic of moments I'm currently living.

Tonight my little niece KT ran up to me and said with all the exuberance that little child possessed; "Come here! I want to show you something!" We carefully walked to the back of the garden, her head wagging from side to side in concentration. We walked along the side of the fence, careful to step around the prickly weeds. Then through a couple of rows of dill and bush beans when she spotted them--
"Wishing plants!" she squealed. She made a wish. If you look carefully you can see miniature fairies floating on the wind. Blowing on a "wishing plant" at sunset is magical. Making a wish for someone else is sweet. I captured that brilliant moment in the back garden and then KT turned me and asked:

"Janae, when is your birthday?"

Red Shoes

Last week I spent all day walking around in my too tight, pinch my toes, but--very cute--match-everything-black shoes. Complete with a bow on top. I padded around the workplace. Pinch, pinch, pinch, pinch. I went out to dinner with friends. Pinch, pinch, pinch pinch. I ran to ShopKo to do a little shopping. Pinch, PinCH, piNCh, PINCH. At which point it came to my attention that it was becoming nearly unbearable to walk. It was starting to feel like I had been walking around in climbing shoes all day. So I decided to buy a cheap pair of shoes that I could wear around on the rest of my errands for the night. I was thinking something like flip flops, when a heavy dash of color screamed "LOOK AT ME!" I almost threw those gems on my feet and walked them to the cash register right then and there. I looked at the price tag, and nearly squealed--$5. I was sold. And look at that contrast with my turquoise skirt. I am nasiegirl and I love red shoes, fluffy skirts, and walking around like a lady on a summer afternoon.

Taking moments to be Still

I have so many thoughts I've been wanting to explore the last couple of weeks and yet I have been spending my time drinking up these fabulous summer evenings before they escape me. Often I revel in the moment just after jumping into bed when I can hear the water running in the brook outside my window and the crickets in the grass down below while tasting that dark deep green cool air that lurks in the shadow of a late summer night. Those are the moments when I reflect on my life and why it is that everything is just right or sometimes why I feel it is not all it could be. Either way, I think reflection is good and I'm grateful for quiet moments like that where I can just be.

This summer marks the 4th year and 6 month that I have struggled with multiple chemical sensitivities. It has been a frustrating 4 years in many ways. Kind of like a 4.5 year sinus infection that never goes away. Mostly annoying but sometimes really hard too. Sometimes it is hard for me to feel hopeful about my future because I feel like my health holds me back. Over the last couple of weeks I've decided that this blog is all about hope despite the things in my life that are frustrating and so I'd like to focus on that a little more often.

Last week I had a really sweet moment with my little brother. It came on a night when things were feeling a little bit bleak. In a tender, private moment he reminded me that there is a purpose in all things and that even though I feel like this trial is holding me back in many ways it is actually helping me to move forward. I thought about that a lot that night and as I was contemplating drifting off to sleep, trying to decide if I really believed that or not, I penned these words:

Sometimes those things that seem to be setting me back are actually moving me forward like:

-Helping me to "see" others, understand the things they suffer, and to love them more deeply

-To slow down and notice new things about the day

-To be happy and grateful for little joys and small triumphs


And perhaps most importantly for me right now...


To see and accept beauty in imperfection.

I am a work in progress. I think I will be for a long time. And though I don't always appreciate this journey I am on I do feel grateful for the lessons it is writing on my heart. Perhaps that is part of what being still is all about.